


Come As You Are, As You Were

by tomfoolery14



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 06:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: Having his magic ripped from him had left Magnus feeling like there was a wound festering deep inside of him, filling the hole left behind with rot and decay. Sometimes he found himself scratching insistently at his skin, as if it were possible to claw his way out of a body that didn’t feel like his own anymore.





	Come As You Are, As You Were

**Author's Note:**

> a bit of 2am angst that i wrote because what is impulse control

Magnus awoke with a jolt, a lightning strike of fear that shot straight through his blood stream.

His heart was racing, pounding against his ribs at an uncomfortably fast pace, and it felt like there was a weight on his chest that pressed against him each time he tried to take a breath. His hands were shaking, little crescent moons cut into his palms from his nails digging into the flesh hard enough to draw blood. His entire body was glazed with sweat, the sheets and pillow case uncomfortably sticky where they touched him.

This was the third night in a row that he’d awoken from a nightmare with his body in the midst of an anxiety attack. He could hardly get more than a few hours’ sleep most nights, and it was becoming increasingly common for him to awake from a fitful slumber in the midst of a panic attack.

Days were hard to get through as it was, and sleep was supposed to be some form of respite from it all, but he couldn’t even have that.

Having his magic ripped from him had left Magnus feeling like there was a wound festering deep inside of him, filling the hole left behind with rot and decay. Sometimes he found himself scratching insistently at his skin, as if it were possible to claw his way out of a body that didn’t feel like his own anymore.

A sharp crack of thunder was followed by a bolt of lightning that filled the bedroom with bright light for only a second, but it was long enough to illuminate Alec’s sleeping form beside him.

Alexander. His hope, his guiding light.

He deserved something better. _Someone_ better.

Without his magic, his immortality, his life was just as insignificant as those of the mundanes that ran around like ants for their unbearably short and burdened lifespans. There was nothing special about him anymore, no reason for Alec to stay for him.

Leaning over him, Magnus pressed the softest of kisses to Alec’s temple, closing his eyes as he inhaled the scent of sandalwood shampoo. A gentle snuffing sound was Alec’s only reply, still fast asleep.

A bead of sweat raced down from the base of his hairline down the curve of path of his spine as he stood and wrapped himself in his robe. His footsteps were masked by the pounding of rain against the windowpanes, and a clap of thunder disguised the sound of the bedroom door closing behind him.

Walking out into the living room, he watched the storm through the balcony doors as he made his way to the drinks cart. His fingers trailed over the glass decanters as he contemplated pouring himself a generous drink, but he knew alcohol wasn’t what he really wanted right now.

He was acutely aware of the small carton tucked away in the Ming vase sitting on the mantle, his fingers reflexively tapping against his thigh in a familiar motion. Before he could make a half assed attempt to tell himself he didn’t need it, he was already turning the vase over and holding his hand out the catch pack of cigarettes that fell into his palm. Clenching it in his fist, he went to the kitchen drawer that housed a book of matches and tucked it into his pocket.

He flinched, startled, when he turned back around to see Alec standing in the bedroom doorway, watching him. “What are you doing? It’s three in the morning.”

“Go back to bed,” Magnus evaded, forcing a smile. “I’m fine. Just a little restless.”

Alec was clearly unsatisfied by his answer, looking pointedly at the cigarettes in Magnus’ hand. “Is that why you’re smoking?”

“I haven’t lit one yet.” Magnus shouldered past him and pushed open the balcony doors, stepping onto the small space of dry concrete flooring and shaking a cigarette loose. His hands were still shaking slightly as he put it between his lips, flicking a match repeatedly against the rough strip on the bottom until it snapped.

Alec joined him, wrapping his arms around his middle and ducking his head against the rain. “Your hands are shaking. Do you want me to—”

“I’m fine, Alec,” Magnus interrupted sternly from around the cigarette, lighting the fresh match and holding it to the end. The aftertaste of his exclamation was bitter and unpleasant as soon as it settled. “I’m sorry.”

Rolling his tongue over his lower lip, Alec watched Magnus closely. “What’s wrong, Magnus?” he asked.

A lie seemed easy at face value, the truth an infinitely more complex alternative. But Magnus wasn’t the kind of person who relished telling one, particularly to Alec. “I hardly sleep anymore,” he started quietly. “When I do, I have horrible nightmares, and I wake up in a panic. I’m exhausted all the time, and nothing helps. I feel like I’m rotting from the inside out.”

Alec was quiet, and Magnus dreaded the painfully loud silence between them, even with the ambient sound of the storm around them. The back of his hand, warm and soft, brushed Magnus’ cheek as he spoke. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I don’t know what it’s like to have lost what you did, and feel like your whole identity has changed. What I do know, though, is that you’re still you.”

Turning to face him, Magnus lowered the cigarette from his mouth, flicking the ashes from the end. There was a quiet hissing sound as it fizzled out in a small puddle of water that had gathered next to his feet. “How do you know?”

Alec’s hand moved down from his face to his chest, pressed right above his heart. “Because I feel you here. You’re still the man I fell in love with, the man that set everything in motion for me the minute I laid eyes on him.”

“How can you love me like this? When I’m just a shade of who I was.”

“When shadowhunters fall in love, it’s for life,” Alec reminded him. “And no matter how you change, you will always have been the one who touched me.”

With a sigh of resignation, Magnus pushed his cheek into Alec’s hand. “I’m just so tired.”

“I know, baby.” Carefully prying the faintly burning cigarette from Magnus’ fingers and flicking it away, Alec wrapped his arms around him. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


End file.
